Letting Out the Little Girl

Happy, Happy New Year! Right about now many of us are thinking about what we want to create in 2010. Vision boards, intentions, resolutions, ceremony, prayers - all the wonderful tools we use to create our lives. And one other, too. Reflection of the past year and the gifts it gave us. Sometimes things don't look like gifts until we really see them for what they are. I want to share my reflections of 2009 and the gifts it brought to me. This is something that I have not shared in such depth before now.

If I had known what was in store for me in my journey back to my hometown of Indianapolis late 2008, I seriously might not have made the trip. Leave my beloved Colorado, home of my Heart, where I had a friend list of over 300 people, to return to the green, still-air mugginess of the Midwest where I knew only my family? I could have said to Spirit, "talk to the hand." But I didn't this time. I didn't pretend deafness. Instead, after being cajoled by a good friend to just do it, I said, "Okay, I'll give it a couple of years." Accompanied by a little carved stone eagle a client had gifted me right before my departure, I made my way east, arriving on the Fall Equinox.

I thought very smugly that I was returning to Indianapolis because I knew something serious was up with my father. And it was, of course. Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, a huge kidney stone, five medical procedures requiring anesthesia, and most recently 3 weeks in the hospital to treat a serious staph abscess in his lung with massive IV antibiotics. We nearly lost him several times. But this was only smoke and mirrors.

The real scope and meaning of my return is so mind boggling. It gives me chills. It was a life-healing experience my Higher Self co-created with me. And I bless each and every person who made the journey possible. And I bless Spirit for orchestrating it so perfectly and for being there every moment.

I've heard many people say they are more than happy to move into 2010, that 2009 was a hard year. I am inclined to agree. I can say honestly that 2009 was my worst nightmare, my most blessed transformation, my fervent prayer for immediate release, the most challenging year of my life, and the culmination of 11 years of intense intentional work to transform old, old experiences that haunted me for 51 years. During this time, I questioned my sanity, my mental health, who I was and if I would make it to the other side. And if I did, God, would there be enough of me left to be functional? It was a terrifying, exquisite journey through the dormant memories of long-buried childhood experiences, coupled with otherworldly karmic and generational attachments that are just too bizarre to share.

My "story" is like many of yours. I left my home town in 1984. I swore I'd never come back. I left behind my childhood. Or, what I could remember of it, as most of it was a big black hole. That leaving began the journey back to my Self. I thought if I ran far enough and fast enough away, I could heal them through loss of memory, a nice little burial of forgetfulness. From several years of conventional psychotherapy (with little impact) through my Spiritual awakening in 2001 and deep immersion into sound and energy healing, I thought I had resurrected and come to terms with enough of the memories to have healed this little girl inside me. What I didn't bargain on was that burying these experiences for so long and so deeply only made them become a physical and emotional, inseparable part of me.

Coming home cracked open my heart. It broke me open so wide I could no longer hide. Whoever said we can never go home again maybe hasn't tried. When the vault of childhood memory is open, they can come roaring back with the force and velocity of a tsunami. I didn't just remember them this time. I was immersed. They oozed through every pore and floated to the surface. They became my dreams, my life and my friend for for fifteen months until I could no longer discern the difference. Looking back, those months are a blur. I remember very little other than a tiny, sometimes barely discernible pinpoint of light on the horizon. With the help of incredible mind/body practitioners, that pinpoint of light grew to be my new destination. With love and dilligence and hard work, it became the size of the Galactic Sun. It became my new Self. I am incredibly indebted to many wonderful earth-bound guardians of Spirit who truly saved my life. Including my sister, who may not always have understood but was always there. And with the exception of a few cobwebs and stray wisps of things, I feel this particular journey is complete. The little girl is free!

In a video that the incredible Rainbeau Mars posted on her FaceBook page today, she talks about her yoga practice, and one of the things she says is, "What is in the way, IS the way." We can never really gauge how we will act in certain circumstances. No matter how tough we think we are. We may say to ourselves, "Oh I could handle that." But we never really know til we get there.

When the world as we know it shatters like a crystal goblet hit by the highest note, we too shatter. And in that shattering of BE-ing, we have a choice. We can remain undone, just shards, and end it. Or we can reform into something new. Into the unencumbered Be-ings that we truly are. This is the gift of 2009 to me. This is the gift I gave to myself, the gift of Freedom. Spirit answered my call to be the best that I can be. I distinctly remember saying, "Bring it on." I think I may have forgotten to add "with ease and grace," but that's beside the point.

I write this because I want to inspire you to take your Journey as deeply, as grittily, as profoundly, as fully and as courageously as you can. Immerse yourself in what is in your way. Become it. There is a gift there. If you stay long enough, no matter how challenging or painful it is, you will find it. Ask Spirit to help you find every single possible way to heal and let go of the past for it only colors your future. By releasing the past, we not only give ourselves the most beautiful gift of freedom, we give others this same gift as well. Even if you think you can't go there, know that you can. On the other side is an amazing place you can't even imagine.

You can, indeed, come home! Blessings for an incredible 2010!

Melinda de Marmion